May 25, 2010
-
I never asked for this…
I can honestly and ashamedly say that so often trials bring out the whaaaaa’s from me. You know the whaaaaa’s… the why me, the I don’t deserve this etc. It’s what is often called the me me me syndrome. Sometimes I get it thick and filled with sticky molasses. The ongoing trial that I am living with out Kathy however doesn’t bring out the self loathing pity that I frequently bathe myself in, instead it brings out the passion and desire to serve more, be more and strive to better what ever I place my hands on. I’m in no way saying that I have recovered from her death, I am just choosing to use it to the best benefit of KATHY. It’s what she would want. That being said, I continue to learn to overcome obstacles that this challenge of change has brought my way. I have never once said it’s time to move on. I look at her picture every day and it has different meaning than it ever has. I have a passionate way of moving forward and it is with her solidly placed with in my heart. I talk about her as if she is still here… Kathy this and Kathy that… once when we… there was the time that… Nope, the only way Kathy will ever leave me is if I were to shove her aside. Something that will never happen.
I had a dream about her the other day. It was the first real dream where she came to me after her death and we talked together… I didn’t talk to her about how much I missed her or how things have grown into puzzling challenges since she was gone. I didn’t say, wow, you look well rested or you can use some blush. Nope, none of those… we looked at each other, eye to eye and knew what needed to be done. I sat down on the curb of my dream and watched her as she walked over to a close friend of ours. Gently, she put her hand on her shoulder and observed. There was merely a sigh from our friend and Kathy looked at me. I explained that it has been this way since the day she died. Kathy looked back at our friend and walked into her, almost becoming her. I woke up knowing that somehow it was all going to work. It may not be the way I want, or the less painful way, but it will still work and I can only pray that everyone that this death has affected can see that she has never actually gone from us unless we force her away… I miss Kathy. I miss texting, laughing, d
riving, crying, eating, coffee, camping, joking, sharing and being with her. But she has given me a new career path, strength to pursue things I have never before thought I could do. She has offered me new opportuniti es and an educational foresight that comes with growing up. I used to get angrier than I do now about challenges in my life… now I don’t get angry, I just deal with them the best I can and pray for God’s grace to help me deal with the obstacl es I face.
I wonder what Kathy’s death has meant to others… for you was her life and or death in vain? Did you grow from the experience or did you deny yourself the opportunity? Did you find a cleaner path to walk or did you decide to fill yourself with mud and filth? So no, I never asked for this… but I continue to be thankful for all I am learning, even today.With her death I am growing. I see the warmth and crave the sun, just like when we were together….
~Laura~
Comments (22)
{{{BIGHUGS}}}
This is a powerful statement to the closeness friends can have even enduring physical death. Thanks for sharing so openly and honestly.
blessings
frank
That was beautiful. It’s wonderful to be able to see the ways in which her death has helped you to grow. What a blessing.
Hugs for you my friend. Often the biggest changes in out life come from times of pain and loss. We learn so much from this… like how to keep going, what is important, the value of one life among the many… may you continue to find joy and meaning on this new path!
Love you! The best thing we can do with the tragedies and pain of life is to turn them into blessings. We can choose. I am glad that through the hurt, you are making good choices.
I am thinking of that song “Blessed be the Name”. It talks about praising God when it is good and when it is bad. When the darkness comes in… praise the Lord. It is the only way to survive.
http://www.lyricsbox.com/matt-redman-lyrics-blessed-be-your-name-pfs45jc.html
You can probably find a better link to the song. I have to think of this song everytime I see mom or think of my parents. I have to praise the Lord and bless His name. He knows. He cares. and He loves them too.
Thank you for your words about Kathy.
Laura, I didn’t know her very well, but I think of her often. She has left a deep impression on me through you. A further testamony to your friendship. May God’s love be with you, always. :love:
A lovely tribute to a friend, whose death has made you a living testimony to her life. There is no higher honor.
Woo Hoo! You were first! And Number One! And Queen! :dancingcow:
What happened to donkey’s thing?!?
You chopped off my thing!!!
It’s your birthday! Hope it’s wonderful! :dancingcow: :dancingcow: :celebrate:
It’s your birthday!!!!!!!! Hope it is happy.
I miss Kathy too. She was a fine Pirate wench and a beautiful lady. I remember this time in the islands…no…wait…was that with you or…oops.
:hammer:
Happy Birfday quean tard.
I luv u!
@dreadpirate - awwwww i miss being called a tard by you! *shglaf* thanks dread!
Belated happy birthday, Laura. ( I am sent by Donkey Guy)
Love
Michel
@Music_turned_Human - You are my one and only Queen Tard!
MWUAH!
I voted! Did you?
Shame on you, you haven’t posted since MAY
:love: