I never asked for this…  

I can honestly and ashamedly say that so often trials bring out the whaaaaa’s from me. You know the whaaaaa’s… the why me, the I don’t deserve this etc. It’s what is often called the me me me syndrome. Sometimes I get it thick and filled with sticky molasses.

The ongoing trial that I am living with out Kathy however doesn’t bring out the self loathing pity that I frequently bathe myself in, instead it brings out the passion and desire to serve more, be more and strive to better what ever I place my hands on. I’m in no way saying that I have recovered from her death, I am just choosing to use it to the best benefit of KATHY. It’s what she would want.   That being said, I continue to learn to overcome obstacles that this challenge of change has brought my way.   I have never once said it’s time to move on. I look at her picture every day and it has different meaning than it ever has. I have a passionate way of moving forward and it is with her solidly placed with in my heart. I talk about her as if she is still here… Kathy this and Kathy that… once when we… there was the time that… Nope, the only way Kathy will ever leave me is if I were to shove her aside. Something that will never happen.   

I had a dream about her the other day. It was the first real dream where she came to me after her death and we talked together… I didn’t talk to her about how much I missed her or how things have grown into puzzling challenges since she was gone. I didn’t say, wow, you look well rested or you can use some blush. Nope, none of those… we looked at each other, eye to eye and knew what needed to be done. I sat down on the curb of my dream and watched her as she walked over to a close friend of ours. Gently, she put her hand on her shoulder and observed. There was merely a sigh from our friend and Kathy looked at me. I explained that it has been this way since the day she died. Kathy looked back at our friend and walked into her, almost becoming her. I woke up knowing that somehow it was all going to work. It may not be the way I want, or the less painful way, but it will still work and I can only pray that everyone that this death has affected can see that she has never actually gone from us unless we force her away…  

I miss Kathy. I miss texting, laughing, driving, crying, eating, coffee, camping, joking, sharing and being with her. But she has given me a new career path, strength to pursue things I have never before thought I could do. She has offered me new opportunities and an educational foresight that comes with growing up. I used to get angrier than I do now about challenges in my life… now I don’t get angry, I just deal with them the best I can and pray for God’s grace to help me deal with the obstacles I face.  

I wonder what Kathy’s death has meant to others… for you was her life and or death in vain? Did you grow from the experience or did you deny yourself the opportunity? Did you find a cleaner path to walk or did you decide to fill yourself with mud and filth?   So no, I never asked for this… but I continue to be thankful for all I am learning, even today.

~Laura~