August 23, 2009

• facing fears? or running away…

  My friend Ruth and I went down to Faun Lake (Kathy and Bryan’s camp) yesterday with  Kathy’s daughter Kira. Before we could go anyplace I needed to put air in my right front tire… have you ever put air in your tires? they are soft and squeal when you turn corners and if you don’t put in air, you will wear your treads, or worse yet, get a flat on a country road with no cell phone reception (just MY luck!)!?!? I  have always hated facing the ‘air pressure (or psi) syndrome’. It’s an honest to goodness phobia I have.  I am deathly afraid that if I pump air into a balloon, ball or tire then it will blow up in my face. There are times when fear runs my life. I will keep on driving if I have to, I will wait for that flat. I started thinking about how my fears stop me but many of Kathy’s fears made her stronger. She was afraid of the same thing as me, we talked about it many times but the last time I drove and needed air in the tire she got out of the car and faced the fear.  (I stood across the street and begged God to not let her blow up!)

  It’s so much like life isn’t it? We have fears. Some of us face and embrace while others deny and run. I have fears of my actions blowing up at me, like the tire under too much pressure, I fear the explosion I may cause and I will walk away from my fears to ‘save face’ instead of facing my fears to achieve grace… Kathy has had some of the biggest fears to face and yet she has faced them with peace and love and dignity. She has allowed the power of God to give her confidence and assurance. I am sure when she learned of what she was facing she must have felt that her life was exploding… but she never lost control and never walked away (and she never hid across the street letting someone else do her dirty work)

  Kathy is now facing her final days, where each breath is succulent and though I selfishly fear the day, she is resting in it. There are no more moments of our endless giggles, making fun of odd people that pass us by or eating cake in the middle of the night. But there are endless memories of girls weekends and get togethers with Cindy, Kathy and Me. Countless laughs still to be had over ‘Kathy math’. There are years of marital replay for Bryan, loving memories for Kira and endless, timeless and ageless recall for Larry, Grace and Ken as they have watched her changing from a tot to a lady. 

  Kathy is now on hospice and resting much more comfortably with better medication. She had been restless and talking nonsensically for the past few days. Kathy’s family best describes the last 24 hours with Kathy as trying to listen to Charlie Brown’s teacher… wuah wuah, waaaauh wa wa wahhhh. No body knows what she was trying to say, but she was insistent on trying to say it… to someone in the corner that we couldn’t see. They say that as you are approaching your final days/hours it is common to see your spiritual guide who will help you cross over. Reportedly this is someone you have trusted in the past. If this is true, we believe that she was probably talking to someone who was helping her. (I had never heard this before today, but three people told me about it in less than 12 hours so it must be true, right?)

  So, face your fears. Trust in God. Breathe succulently and take chances. Lastly, be at peace, Kathy is.

  Hope to see you at the fund raiser tomorrow!
  Laura

  ps Neither Ruth nor I had the guts to face the tire dilemma… so we put it on the brave soul at the gas station to help us out. He had those really really big holes in his earlobes that could fit his fist through… i wonder if it was a tire accident?

  • 1:28 am
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